I sit here overlooking Paris Gare du Nord Station awaiting my train home with a child peering over my shoulder (lol). I have’t felt inspired to write in a very long time. So I just picked up my laptop and decided to type.
I took myself away on a whim and decided to experience life (for 3 days) by myself. Of course, this wasn’t the way that I intended, in fact, it wasn’t even initially planned alone; but that is the blessing of divine intervention. I fully believed that this was going to be one of the inevitable moments that would shape my thinking. Over the past month my mental wellbeing has suffered as a result of the stress and pressure I continually place on myself.I needed a break away.
Taking the time away to be still,quiet and break away from my recently troubled mind and heart proved difficult. It didn’t take me long to realise that in order break away from my mind, I had to confront it. Confrontation of my love patterns, my concepts of self and my shortcomings has taken (and will continue to take) work. Now, this experience did surprise me. It wasn’t an Eat, Pray, Love journey where I discovered the forgotten crevices of a city, met people who changed my prospective on life and successfully found a man that I could elope in an hour. No. In fact the exact opposite happened. I stayed indoors 80% of the time, vlogged, read and wrote (and spoke to myself and God a whole lot). Maybe one day I’ll have to courage to share my innermost thoughts on self-love and my deepest insecurities (I’m working on vulnerability).
Who knew that time away physically could have drastic affects on me emotionally and renew me spiritually?
I have realised a few things:
Initially, I had so much doubt in my security, my strength and my protection. This, (I have realised) has been nutured into me, directing deposited by my parents. (Who of course fed me horror Paris storied before I left). Most of my friends encouraged this trip but, of course, there were alternative people who completely opposed the notion (i.e. post office lady) who inadvisely and continuously told me she “…couldn’t ever go away alone, especially not Paris”. Having weights and opinions of discouragement, I instinctly decided go before I spoke myself out of it completely. With hindsight (and some faith-foresight) the reality was, I wasn’t alone, and I felt God’s presence and discerned his voice from my own encouraging me to push forth. I honestly needed this.
My anixety in the past has come from trying to hyper-manage my life. I now know that I have control, but only to an extent. Having said that, I do have this new sense of belief in myself. I was my safety, my protection and security. I can take care of myself. On this trip away, no[body] made my experiences and no[body] held my happiness in their hands. This was a massive step for me and I can say that I’m totally and completely proud of myself.
Patience, imperfection and languages:
When being indoors, I re-read and finished The Wait. This book was truly a heaven send with such fruitful thoughts on life, being your best self, authentic love, patience and trusting God. I am open. Open to humility, vulnerability and consciously seeking understanding of my distinct purpose. I know, however, that this is an unfinished (and imperfect) journey but I feel repaired, thus doing my best to change my attitude, my language my responses.
Don’t get me wrong, I felt lonely; dreadfully lonely; But I needed to feel that. I realised that I haven’t allowed myself to be alone in a long time. I have been fearful of this since I was 16 and nurtured by parental protection since birth. But Faith and fear do not coincide so it’s no surprise that now that my faith is growing, my fear is slowly (but surely) depleting. I know this loneliness will have ebbs and flows but I’m ok with that, especially if it means that I am building a stronger me.
So overall,I don’t particularly think Paris is a beautiful city (especially since the rain hasn’t stopped pouring), but is a memorable one. The city of my first trip alone and the place where I (dare I say it) found myself. For the first time, in a long time, I am happy.
So the tales are true, go away and see for yourself.